worth...

it's funny how it often takes a divine slap across the face to get you back to reality. some call this a reality check, i call it ouch. i tend to think that i have everything under control and 'life' all figured out until i realize once again that i have no control over anything whatsoever and in fact relying on myself leads me nowhere beyond myself. a couple years ago i found myself in a place i wasn't supposed to be [we're talking about stuff dealing with walk, talk, behavior, lifestyle kind of stuff here]. i was even approached by this very large intimidating woman who very prophetically had the audacity to tell me to my face that she knew i wasn't where i was supposed to be and that i was trapped in a life that wasn't fulfilling or bringing glory to anyone but myself. so i started to wrestle with this whole identity crisis i was facing, knowing for certain that there was nothing good about the 'place' in life i found myself.

i was talking to a friend one day, expressing how desparate i was to be on the 'right path' and he gently said, 'so why don't you ask God to put you there?' he continued by adding, 'tim, if you're really desparate to be where God wants you to be then you've got to ask him to do whatever it takes to get you there.' i laughed it off and said, 'yeah i'll get right on that.'

in august of 2004 i went to go see/hear my brother's band play in austin at a student event. i was running late because that's what i do of course and when i showed up i could tell the band was already playing and i had obviously missed out on quiet a bit. i listened as they were playing one of their new songs i had only heard once before. the lyrics go like this...

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all to my God and king
all to my God and king
it's the glory of your majesty
it's the mystery of your love for me

my heart will say, my heart will sing
you are the Christ, you are the king
it's the glory of your majesty
it's the mystery of your love for me

i find my worth in your majesty
i find my worth in your majesty
i find myself in you've captured me
i find myself in you've captured me
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as i approached the door i could tell it was the soft melodic 'come to jesus' part in the song where the lyrics ceased and the wise exhortations of my brother proceeded. the first words i heard from his mouth as i walked in the door were these: 'so what are you finding your worth it? are you finding your worth in relationships, success, possessions? all of these let you down, but the only true place to find our worth is in him, in his majesty, in the fact that he has captured us and sacrificed himself for us...'

[que the sound effect for the divine slap in the face] that night i remember very vididly asking God to do whatever it takes to bring me to that place of finding my worth solely in him: even if that means stripping every comfort i have and everything i rely on for worth and bringing me to my knees in desparation if that's what it takes.

**general warning: if you ever pray that God would strip away everything that is getting in the way, be forewarned that he might follow through on this prayer and actually strip you of every comfort in life taking away whatever is in the way brining you to you to a faceplant of desparation before his majesty and eternal worth...consider yourself warned**

even as i listen to the song right now to make sure i have the lyrics right, my heart is swept away to this moment of truth, to this life changing moment i exerienced 2 years ago and still encounter daily, this moment when we realize that we too often place our worth in everything that loses value. even Christ straight up told us not to store up treasures [the idea of having worth and meaning] in things of this world where moth and rust destroy but instead we are to store up tresures in heaven where nothing is destroyed. see, the harsh reality is that when this life fades and the music of our life's symphony hits the final sustaining note on the cello [a romantic idea of death isn't it?] everything we've placed our worth and value in other than those things of above, are meaningless. the things we've found worth in become absolutely worth-less. yet why is it that i continually try and place and find my worth in material possessions, relationships, success, or some sort of fame: all of which in the end let me down at some point and leave me drowning in my own cesspool of emptiness. what is it going to take to finally realize that the thing i should consistantly and constantly find my worth in is the one who will never let me down, who will never fail, who promises to never leave me or forsake me!